Before I opened this page, I had lots in mind to write but after it's opened, am lost for words. Many unpleasant and painful moments had somehow messed up my emotions and the trail of thoughts, I feel much lost than before. Unpleasant events one after another kept haunting me, a friend who took this bearly 2 yr friendship for a free ride and facing lots of uncertainties at work and in life. Am so sick and tired of living under expectations and it's not mine! I wonder what's gotten into me...


These days, I feel emotional drained, my mind tends to wonder quite a bit. I kept asking myself, what is it that's missing in my life, what are my plans in the near future, what kind of job really excites me, etc.

I fall down on my knees, I was blined but now I see, U (freedom) is all that I need..

好想大哭一场。。。

心理的结好难解开。最近我一直在问我自己，以前活泼开朗的我到哪儿去了。我真的好想找回从前的那段快乐时光，找回我的自信。

当别人不把你放在眼里时，我就更要爱惜自己，让自己好过一些。

conclUding 2009

Where should I begin... 2009 has been an eventful year, a year of uncertainty, struggles and changes, all in the process of learning, dealing and healing.

Early part of the year, I was given an opportunity to design a new project and restrategise another project @ work, faced with lots work challenges, trying to find the perfect fit for the new project. Like any other creators, we are always in search for the uniqity factor and when greater greed creep into us, that's where we lose focus. 2 indiviuals (my boos & I) with extreme personality working on this project definitely a challenge but perseverance is the formular to success. After a year with SIF, I still like the environment, colleagues are great, some left and some new faces.

There were ups and downs when it comes to relationships, I got to know some others much better and gained new friends, new experiences. I realised problems and issues does not always bring people closer, it could make or break relationships, perhaps there should be clearer communication and greater understanding & trust.

It's also a special year for a good friend who got married in Oct after 10 years of marathon. Hope she'll find happiness in this man she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with and we are all waiting to see their off springs. =P Another joy from Carol & Sunny, they had their by-product delivered in Oct, Ethan Chee. =D Carol was telling us how accidental Ethan came about. I conclude that Durex condoms are so poorly made and undependable. I have 2 examples to prove it (not my children of cos). =/

Another of my good friend was retrenched but am very happy that she finally got a job within a short period of time. Good luck to your new job. =)

I spent Halloween this year @ the Nite Safari, it was soooooo 'unforgettable'. I had to queue 3 hrs just to see and be frightened by those cheongz ghost. I think the super long queue was scarier. Though there wasn't any long trip for me this year but I went Batam / Bintan for a short getaway. Love the sun, sand, sea, massage and company.

I had my short stay with Sunny (the dog) in Dec, this round I learnt that he's such a sweet baby. There were a few nights where I allowed him to sleep in the room, middle of the night he needed to pee but the door was closed and he couldn't open. Other dogs would have barked but he went over to my bed and gently used his nose to poke me or made gently whines so that I would wake up and open the door for him. I must say he's such a great company (besides cleaning his shit and pee-pan). Oh yes, his 'dad' (my cousin) bought me a Longchamp bag for x'mas. =D

2009 has allowed me to leave my footprints in SIF and to make a difference in some lives, not forgetting, I've also passed my advance. =D Last year, my close friends made "Our Gift of Joy" - Cambodia possible, this year I've expanded this fundraising project to beneift more children in Laos.

Thank you and Goodbye 2009...

mE...

Months back when I was talking to L.Choo, she said that am a confused person, someone who doesn't know what I want. A few days back, she said the same thing to me again... There was a friend who once said almost the same thing, she said "Can you make up your mind!". I

Maybe am the confused or greedy, I want the best of both worlds. Knowing that we can't have the best of both worlds, I wanted to stretch as much to achieve that. I took the opportunity to be alone and gave myself some space and time to just wonder and go wherever my heart/legs took me. I borrowed my bro's IXUS 12o and started to take whatever that attracts me. I went to Waterloo St and seek clarity, guidance and blessings, then headed to Esplanade. Sat by the stairs and indulged in the sweet and sour tinge of the raspberry bread ice cream. Flashback on the past activities, changes and experiences came back, some were kept as reminders, some were revisted and buried and some be kept open.

Every picture tells a story, 1 story with multiple perceptions and understanding.
http://thrudelance.blogspot.com/

Experience @ MAW

2 days before X'mas, I did a voluntary service at the Make A Wish (MAW) Foundation's X'mas party. Initially I was unsure if am prepared to volunteer for MAW as I was afraid that I'll be affected by their sickness. In fact, I learnt a lot at the event. I see fighting spirit in every child, I saw tender support in every parent, I see true compassion in (almost) every volunteer. Quite a number of sick children in SG struck by life threatening diseases, illnesses that will deteriorate their health. Putting in layman's term, it's a death sentence for the kids.

Thankfully for MAW foundation, the kids get their wishes fulfilled by good Samaritans. Unique wishes such as being an adult, fireman or princess for a day, simple wishes like having a bicycle, psp, computer games, etc. I guess the kids know that they are somehow a different than others but they have chose to appreciate what's given to them and fight to see sunrise each day. Most of us take health, time and life for granted, how many of us were thankful that we could actually see daylight every morning...

Why would these despicable diseases take away the lives of these young lives... May there be lots of blessings and joy for these MAW angels...

Random updates with a bliss...

Early this month, had a mini hiatus at my cousin's place again (baby sitting Sunny), taking the opportunity to rest, relax and recharged. It felt like a long awaited break that I needed to just stone and do nothing. I sat on the couch, sip my tea, watch tv and played with the dog. Never knew that Sunny could also be so tickled when i scratched his tummy. Watching him playfully trying to use his mouth to stop me from tickling him (cos dog's can't use their legs to shoo our hands away) was such a joy and it was a pity that dogs can't laugh out loud. This dog really live up to his name, he had brought smiles and memories to some of his new friends (those who had visited me).

Potluck party with good old volunteers at Chinatown was enjoyable. Met baby Ethan for the 2nd time and this time, I got to carry him. =D Just like a mini sumo, fleshy and round. Glad that Mavis found something she's excited about after she left the previous job.

313 was just a mall filled with boutiques, restaurants and giant screens, jam packed with people doing their last minute shopping and not forgetting dining as well. Dinner @ Marche was quite an enjoyable one, especially with XPP around. Her laughters and jokes never seems to stop amuse us.

My humble limelight...

Sunday, 29 Nov 2009, Sunday Times first X'mas supplement. About a month ago, Karon approached me and asked if I could take on a X'mas interview with our national paper. My first reaction was shocked and then I said "why me?". She assured me that she'll pitch it together with other SVOs stories so chances were, may or may not be my story, so I relented.
Then a few days later, she (Karon) came and surprised me with the news, she said the editor wanted my story. *!?%&# kenna conned. =/ Initially I rejected, just felt there was nothing to glorify about, especially when it comes to voluntary work. She persuaded me to take up the interview to inspire more people and I agreed. Thereafter, I received an email from Phei Phei (Asst Editor, special projs, SPH) filled with a long list of questions.

2 weeks ago, she (PP) came to my office to condut the interview. I was actually quite nervous, my first press interview. The interview took nearly 45 mins and I felt blessed to have the opportunity to share my humble story and to also be a giver.

When the aricle came out, I received quite a number of smses, I thank God that these people still remembers me and of cos for their kind words and encouragement.

woohoo... Heng ah, appear on papers for a good thing and not bad publicity. =p

Lost...

Why do we feel lost at times and how did it happen? My emotions have been fluctuating, I wonder why. Over the past 6 months, I realised there's quite a bit of ups & downs in my life, negativity filled not only my mind but the heart too.

When I reflect, it somehow feels that I've lost my fighting spirit and the old me. I feel mentally and physically exhausted more often these days. I used to be chatty, outgoing and witty at times but now it's just a boring, quiet and slow in thinking me. Did I allow circumstances and people shaped the new me?

When am asked what I want, I spoke my mind but was asked if am clear about things. I wonder why people even bother to ask me. When I've decided to take a step back and remained silence, am forced to speak. Hmm...

I too realised that when we thought that by building relationship over a period of time, it will strengthen the bond and have better understanding but there are cases where it deteriorates and parties will repel. Things can never be the same as before...

I guess what I need most is to find the calmness in me, need to clear the internal struggles and overcome the flaws and obstacles...